feelings towards a reaching conclusion

INTRO

Over the course of three days, I’m going to use this blog to document my current emotion or feeling I have towards an event in my life that I know will soon end. I will expect my mood to change for each day, and if it doesn’t I will use a different feeling for each day regardless, so now that you have an idea for what to expect, read on and enjoy!

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Saudade

Day One

8/12/15

You know that feeling you get when you finish a series, book, movie, TV show, Etc. that you were more hooked to than a crack head on meth? that attachment you have formed with a person, place or even object? and afterwards when it goes away from existence, you can’t help, but feel saddened or even shocked that its actually gone forever? Well I have experienced this several times and I cant help, but compare it to ghost memory, you know that thing you’ve come to love is no longer there, but you can still remember how you felt towards it, as if it still exist.      Unlike actual objects, I’ve been hit with this feeling so many times that I can sense it before it leaves its impact on me. One example of how I sense this feeling is, near the end of my first semester at college, after I became attached to something that I thought I never would, this meant once the semester ended I would have the same feeling. Even though school life for me, would continue on, I knew I would miss the people I was around, even if they didn’t like me, I would also miss the atmosphere of the classroom, one of humor and laughter that was often slaughtered when assignments where announced. Yes its true, I didn’t have the same freedom as High School, and the people I was around didn’t seem very enthusiastic to talk to me or want to be friends that hang out, but the busy type that just wanted to get their degree and move on in life, which I accept, but wouldn’t give both thumbs up to. With this being said, yea it is kind of a let down that I failed to make a lot of friends so far though out college, and still  don’t know, for the life of me, what degree I want to settle on, in fact, I feel like that guy who holds up the drive thru at Mcgreasie’s, because he cant decide what he wants to order. However, even with slightly deteriorating faith, I’ll have to try even harder next semester to make some friends even if I have to take the risk of being annoying as well as make up my mind for my futures sake.     Although I’ve had some negative experiences through out college so far, I’ve also had good ones like learning how to be super anal about writing basically anything, how much time Fredrick Douglass has on his hand to write that XL speech about why slaves think the fourth of July is stupid or even using google as a last resort for answers to questions I’ve lost hope on knowing. So even though today I feel a bit sad and shocked that this semester is ending, I’m sure I’ll eventually, move on, just like the world will after all the terrorist are killed, Obama gets out of office, and weed gets legalized, that should make most people happy, until we find something else to get offended about. What I’m trying to get at is even though I’m struck with this feeling comparable to ghost memory, maybe it well go away sooner than I think, maybe even tomorrow.

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Happiness

Day two

9/12/15

Now that I’m done feeling Saudade, well for the most part, I’ve sort of moved on to a different feeling, one that I could guarantee most people have had and for those who haven’t, you’re either lying or you have something genetically wrong with you. This feeling if you haven’t guessed it yet is happiness, I kind of gave it away in the title up there, but lets just look past that, like we look past the negativities in life. For example when your driving to school or your job, try not to focus on the dead animal that got ran over, or that annoying old person in front of you who drives so slow it creates an assembly line of pissed of commuters behind it, waiting for their opportunity to pass the old timer. Instead try to find something positive, that gets your mind off of driving, but not to much or else you might get in an accident. But what I’m happy about is my first semester of college coming to an end, yes I was at first Saudade, but like the example I mentioned I found actually quite a few reason’s to be happy its over.     The first one is the relief of getting through something in life, you thought would be to difficult or stressful, and ended up succeeding at it, yea I might be speaking to soon, because I’m about to go full time next semester, but still have to give it a try, weather I sink or swim, or get eaten by a river monster, it will still be more a satisfaction then dealing with the guilt backing down from a challenge. The Next reason is having a break from school, to rest, organize my car, my bedroom, my life, and prepare for a algebra, something I don’t create good chemistry with. The final reason is I feel like I did a good job in college so far, for a first timer, even though I probably wasn’t the best public speaker or test taker, it still wasn’t a complete slow motion train wreck, which makes me feel sort of accomplished in a cheesy way. Another thing I would like to add is I kind of had a little fun being in college, even though I was stressed out a lot and was about to go Bruce Lee’s enter the dragon mode, on all of my surroundings, until I crashed, but I kept it together and pulled through with college life so far.     Today’s feeling of happiness was a good refreshment from the Saudade, I was sort of feeling a few days ago, and to be honest if I had the chance to never feel depressed, I would take it, but sometimes its just sneaks up on you, kind of like when you stumble into a song by Adele, with the hope that the song wont be a depressing, but it still is. Now that I am happy, I’m in hopes that tomorrow brings good things and even maybe a better feeling than today.

 

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Excitement

Day Three

11/12/15

You know that feeling of being ready for something, that forces you to focus on it almost entirely and can often lead to sleep deprivation. No! I’m not talking about stress or insomnia, I’m talking something less depressing to have, Excitement! So when I got to thinking about the semester of college I’ve been through and how its interesting experience is coming to an end I first felt Saudade, meaning something I’ve I grown attached to out of Anger, Sadness, and even Laughter, I get the feeling that I’ll never experience something the same ever again, but after a day or so, I started to look on the bright side of life, like Monty Python once said, and then I started to feel happy, like a Jason Mraz song. When I was done thinking about my past and present part of my college life, I moved onto my future and what it might hold. The interesting thing about thinking about ones future, is it can either lead to stress, depression or excitement, and since I previously starting feeling happy I transitioned into excitement. So far there is a few things I’m excited for, when thinking of my future college life, and the first one is what to expect, I’m no longer nervous about what to expect from college, but I am excited for what I’ll expect in future classes. Even math, something I try to avoid a lot in life, I’m sort of excited about, and the reason why is because I managed to get score high enough on the COMPASS test to get into a higher math class, which was a goal of mine. That means no more studying for a stupid test on the worlds cheapest computer at NTI, next to two good ol southern boys who smell like they just got done dry humping a pile of fertilizer, not to mentioned I couldn’t focus, with them talking constantly laughing and making bad jokes. Having that out of the way is enough to ask for alone, and its nice to see that somewhat hard work at building my math skills actually paid off, now all I have to worry about is not getting screwed over with a bad teacher for next semester. The next reason I found to be excited was the new opportunity to meet new people and try to be friends with them, if they don’t scare me or weird me out. After transitioning out of a different lifestyle that wasn’t a fit for me and going into college, its really boring when you have no one to talk to besides your family, which is mostly busy and rarely spends time together. The last reason I got to be excited, is more opportunities to showcase my ideas, by finding ways to incorporate it into my assignments for classes, it makes me feel like I’m actually doing something that’s beneficial for my future and if it doesn’t end up being beneficial, at least I had fun doing things, I would normally hate doing in a way I love. Excitement can be promising, but I think it will be mostly up to me to make these promises a reality, instead of a failed expectations. Now looking back throughout the days, its satisfying to see how my emotions shifted from Saudade to Happiness and eventually Excitement, I think of this as another example of why you should never quite something early out of disappointment, but instead stick with it until you get what you want.

The hunter becomes the hunted

This blog is a work of animal satire, based on reincarnation, that tells a fictional story about how an obnoxious alcoholic hunter who becomes an accidental fatality and is ironically reborn into the very animal he killed for fun. The narrator then gives a bio on what life is like, living life as a commonly hunted animal.

Starting from the beginning

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I remember it all to well, I used to be a human in my previous life cycle, More specifically a loud mouth out of shape southerner, who drank to much cheap beer, used to much tobacco, and had no filter on my mouth, often times resulting into fights with random people and many arrest; but I had a much deeper love for my loud obnoxious diesel truck and killing every furry critter that crossed my path, either with a bullet or my truck. However things took a turn for the worse when one day during bow season, I went out hunting on private property with my rifle; even though everything I was doing was illegal, I didn’t seem to worry me, which to me only meant the liquid courage was doing its job. As I was hunting I found an old rusty tree stand, it didn’t seem to safe, but I didn’t care much, I figured if I did fall my body fat would cushion me on impact. I managed to climb up to the top of the deer stand and set up shop. My hunting arsenal consisted of ammo, dear jerky and lots of beer, after I got everything ready I started waiting as usual. While waiting I drank 5 beers, then 3, then 4, before I knew it I was all out and really buzzed, I became unsatisfied with the elevation the tree stand was at so I climbed higher, until I lost balance and fell 27 feet to my death, landing on my head. My world went black.

Even though my life was ended the trouble didn’t, nope, instead I was instantly reborn, not into a human, oh not even close, but an animal, more specifically a deer! the very thing I killed in my past life for sheer joy and ate! and now I live with the daily guilt of knowing I used to be the very thing my kind despises and experiencing what its like live life on the other side of the rifle.

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“Oh deer, its killing season”

So now that you got an idea of who I am exactly and my origins, Now I would like to share with you my daily struggles, and what better place to begin than killing season? Better known to the humans as hunting season. Which is an awful time of year for all of the animal kingdom, but mostly us deer. every time hunting season comes around, its almost like the annual purge, except for we, deer don’t fight back, we run.

 Through the four years I’ve lived so far, I have spent almost all of it running from hunters during hunting season, along with other fellow deer, unfortunately not all of them make it. I, on the other hand, do make it, because I was gifted with the mind of a hunter, but the body of a deer. However I still have to deal with something other deer’s don’t, guilt of knowing I used to be a hunter and one of the worst kind and that I used to enjoy eating what is now my own kind, does that technically make me a cannibal? I don’t know, but I hoping not. That’s why I now dread hunting season, not only does it make me paranoid, but it also brings back now unpleasant memories to remind me of what kind of monster I once was.

  Other than all the problems I’ve been facing since my rebirth, I have surprisingly managed to handle life pretty well, through the four years of my existence I’ve gotten to meet other deer and interact, but they aren’t as interesting as humans. Most of the female deer are stupid and the male are to territorial jerks, due that being said I normally wander around humans more than my own kind. Sadly most of the times it ends up with the humans discovering me and firing shots, it didn’t help that I had a bigger rack than most of the other deer, it just motivated them to want to kill me even more. I also would raid homes looking for alcohol and drink it all before the owners noticed, most of the time they would anyways and eventually found out it was me, after doing it several times and getting caught, I even had a nick name, the raiding beer deer. I messed with humans in other ways as well, like running in front of vehicles on highways just to spook drivers, or piss on anything a human owned, such as cars, houses, windows, mailboxes, etc. Other deer did it as well except by accident out of stupidity, I even tried to help them out, by warning them not to cross a road yet because a vehicle was approaching, but they never listen and get either ran over or cause an accident. After a while I start to wonder if the other deer run out in front of cars because they hate their life, if so I cant blame them for it.

 Aside from hanging around humans until either getting shot at or chased off and trying to live like all the other normal deer, I didn’t have much of a purpose in the deer community or life; sometimes I even wonder what life would be like if I was instead reincarnated into a smarter animal group or a protected endangered animal group, life would probably be easier, but that day hasn’t come yet or might not ever happen, I guess I’ll just have to wait and see. From my understanding deer typically live between 6 and 14 years, to me that means this living nightmare is far from being over. 4 years down and 10 left to go, the wait is on….

Remaining A. Nonymous

INTRO

Hello my name is… well, that’s actually pretty complicated. No not my name, but past life history, that got me into this situation. Lets just say I’ve been hanging around the wrong crowd, and by wrong crowd I really mean a few guys who have pissed of every bad guy known to man, and some not known to man. And these guys I just so happen to be some what close to actually make a living off of Stealing, Betraying, and even killing people, but mostly Stealing from people. Which most of the time happened to be very rich and corrupt people with connections to even more corrupt psychopaths. And guess what happens when those very corrupt people get robbed by a few mediocre criminals. Yep that’s right they become very pissed off corrupt rich people who send out everyone they can get ahold of to take you down.

So you ask? where do I fall into all of this not so Beautiful Mess. Well somewhere in the middle, considering that I was forced into helping out with most of their dirty deeds, Ever since a deal was made with some Feds, that if they helped them catch a notorious drug lord in Tijuana in which they had connections with. They would be given reduced sentences and me, the Unfortunate One just getting dragged into this Drug Bust Sting. But then things hit the fan and eventually one of my forced partners in crime, was found hanging from a fan dead. in prison. while the other one was found dead with his head in a toilet with multiple stab wounds in his stomach, Now that’s a pretty crappy way to die, pun intended. However it only got worse when one of the feds was killed from a car bomb near Krispy Kreme donuts. Shocking, anyways Soon after I was left with two options wait for my death or get put on the Witness Protection Program for life!. So here I am with a fake name, fake life, and no more goals, but to remain Anonymous.

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My current life status

It’s been five and a half month’s since I’ve started my new heavily restricted meaningless fake life. And so far its miserable and boring. Which is why I’ve resorted to blogging to express my emotions which are mostly anger through the security of the internet. At first I started out watching viral videos then I gradually moved on to reading post and then started making my own videos and post, the videos failed miserably so I just stuck to post. Soon after that the internet just became a way of life for me, but besides my online life, my real life consisted of me going to work at a job I deeply hated, living next door to people I deeply hated, and driving a piece of crap car I deeply hated. Although it may be called a Fiesta, I guarantee it will kill any party I go to, just by looking at it.

Next lets talk about my job, oh I can never express how much hate I have towards it. full time employee at Larry’s Burgers. The worst part about the job is the everyone and everything. the biggest customer we have is 270- 350 LB, heart attack bound any minute type of person, who normally orders near everything on the menu. then finishing it off by leaving a disaster in the restroom, normally breaking the toilets. and causing a septic volcano. And then its a deadly game of toilet plunger roulette, with a farewell to the unfortunate soul who loses. Besides that there’s the blind man who always goes in the females restroom mistaking it for the males and sometimes the front counter where your supposed to order your food. One time he even pissed on a kids happy meal. There’s also a very picky superstitious costumer. Who often times orders very precise things like a burger perfectly cooked with two pickles placed perfectly in the center, with slightly a graze of mustard that has to be perfectly outlined around the two pickles, 12 tiny droplets of ketchup, lettuce placed in the center with the outsides skimmed, and then the bun with outsides trimmed, he also demands a list of every single ingredient of every thing that’s in his food! while occasionally questioning me if I spit in his drink. And last but not least there’s the faithful staff and equipment, the manager who always gives lectures about how to improve, while glorifying himself. When a task comes his way, he just puts it on someone else to do. Yet always stresses that its a team effort, and when something is done right, he takes the credit. then there’s the rest of the crew Dylan the Stoner skater who talks about call of duty everyday, Phil the mentally disabled cook, Earl the RPG fanatic, that avoids Deodorant like the plague, but sadly doesn’t keep him from smelling like one. In particular the Black Death, but If I told him that he would probably geek out and start talking about Game Of Thrones, World of Warcraft, Dicks And Dungeons, man I don’t know, I’m not too familiar with RPG’s. And I don’t see anything to appealing about them either, but I better careful saying that around the wrong crowd. Oh and I almost forgot the faithful equipment used to cook the greasy sickening food they have there! like the outdated grill, or the rusty utensils that break quite often. and normally have to be duck taped back together. And the dirty, slimy fryer that is rarely cleaned and even has fungus growing on it. Anyways that’s my job in a nutshell.

Now moving on to my house, which is pretty Generic and basic. Its features are basic cable, outdated newspaper from 12 years ago, Even older books like Moby Dick and Frankenstein, and the furniture is on its last legs literally. Three of the legs are broken on the couch near the TV and the beds, in which I attempt to sleep in, has springs sticking out like spikes on a wall trap in an Indiana Jones movie. Besides that there’s the Annoying Neighbors on my left side who get in fights with my Nosey Neighbors on my right. Normally ending with cops showing up to break it up. Of course it doesn’t end with just them. There’s also the Hippies across the street, that drive an old van. That the call the Magic Dragon. And are often found doing odd things in their front yard like trying to play songs on a guitar with two broken cords on it or even having drum circles in the middle of the road! while wearing tin foil, claiming it was a gift from the future. Next to their house is a couple of skin head looking dudes who are apparently  black market weapon dealers, finding that out after they knocked on my door asking if I wanted to buy any weapons. They can normally be found in their house blasting heavy metal or country rap music. Oh how awful it sounds, but no one in the neighborhood has the guts to tell them to turn it off. Beside their house is an 57 year old lady who is a prostitute and dresses like an Over-Sexualized Madonna. And the last person I should mention is 35 year old Creep with a Thin Mustache, Big Goggle Glasses, and a overly worn food stained Pink Floyd T-Shirt. Well that wraps up my freakish neighbors and my new life, so far anyhow. It feels good to get things off my chest that I’ve been forced to lie about, out of my own protection, and hey if I can honestly express my frustrations while still Remaining Anonymous, my fake miserable life might not be so bad after.