Over the course of three days, I’m going to use this blog to document my current emotion or feeling I have towards an event in my life that I know will soon end. I will expect my mood to change for each day, and if it doesn’t I will use a different feeling for each day regardless, so now that you have an idea for what to expect, read on and enjoy!
You know that feeling you get when you finish a series, book, movie, TV show, Etc. that you were more hooked to than a crack head on meth? that attachment you have formed with a person, place or even object? and afterwards when it goes away from existence, you can’t help, but feel saddened or even shocked that its actually gone forever? Well I have experienced this several times and I cant help, but compare it to ghost memory, you know that thing you’ve come to love is no longer there, but you can still remember how you felt towards it, as if it still exist. Unlike actual objects, I’ve been hit with this feeling so many times that I can sense it before it leaves its impact on me. One example of how I sense this feeling is, near the end of my first semester at college, after I became attached to something that I thought I never would, this meant once the semester ended I would have the same feeling. Even though school life for me, would continue on, I knew I would miss the people I was around, even if they didn’t like me, I would also miss the atmosphere of the classroom, one of humor and laughter that was often slaughtered when assignments where announced. Yes its true, I didn’t have the same freedom as High School, and the people I was around didn’t seem very enthusiastic to talk to me or want to be friends that hang out, but the busy type that just wanted to get their degree and move on in life, which I accept, but wouldn’t give both thumbs up to. With this being said, yea it is kind of a let down that I failed to make a lot of friends so far though out college, and still don’t know, for the life of me, what degree I want to settle on, in fact, I feel like that guy who holds up the drive thru at Mcgreasie’s, because he cant decide what he wants to order. However, even with slightly deteriorating faith, I’ll have to try even harder next semester to make some friends even if I have to take the risk of being annoying as well as make up my mind for my futures sake. Although I’ve had some negative experiences through out college so far, I’ve also had good ones like learning how to be super anal about writing basically anything, how much time Fredrick Douglass has on his hand to write that XL speech about why slaves think the fourth of July is stupid or even using google as a last resort for answers to questions I’ve lost hope on knowing. So even though today I feel a bit sad and shocked that this semester is ending, I’m sure I’ll eventually, move on, just like the world will after all the terrorist are killed, Obama gets out of office, and weed gets legalized, that should make most people happy, until we find something else to get offended about. What I’m trying to get at is even though I’m struck with this feeling comparable to ghost memory, maybe it well go away sooner than I think, maybe even tomorrow.
Now that I’m done feeling Saudade, well for the most part, I’ve sort of moved on to a different feeling, one that I could guarantee most people have had and for those who haven’t, you’re either lying or you have something genetically wrong with you. This feeling if you haven’t guessed it yet is happiness, I kind of gave it away in the title up there, but lets just look past that, like we look past the negativities in life. For example when your driving to school or your job, try not to focus on the dead animal that got ran over, or that annoying old person in front of you who drives so slow it creates an assembly line of pissed of commuters behind it, waiting for their opportunity to pass the old timer. Instead try to find something positive, that gets your mind off of driving, but not to much or else you might get in an accident. But what I’m happy about is my first semester of college coming to an end, yes I was at first Saudade, but like the example I mentioned I found actually quite a few reason’s to be happy its over. The first one is the relief of getting through something in life, you thought would be to difficult or stressful, and ended up succeeding at it, yea I might be speaking to soon, because I’m about to go full time next semester, but still have to give it a try, weather I sink or swim, or get eaten by a river monster, it will still be more a satisfaction then dealing with the guilt backing down from a challenge. The Next reason is having a break from school, to rest, organize my car, my bedroom, my life, and prepare for a algebra, something I don’t create good chemistry with. The final reason is I feel like I did a good job in college so far, for a first timer, even though I probably wasn’t the best public speaker or test taker, it still wasn’t a complete slow motion train wreck, which makes me feel sort of accomplished in a cheesy way. Another thing I would like to add is I kind of had a little fun being in college, even though I was stressed out a lot and was about to go Bruce Lee’s enter the dragon mode, on all of my surroundings, until I crashed, but I kept it together and pulled through with college life so far. Today’s feeling of happiness was a good refreshment from the Saudade, I was sort of feeling a few days ago, and to be honest if I had the chance to never feel depressed, I would take it, but sometimes its just sneaks up on you, kind of like when you stumble into a song by Adele, with the hope that the song wont be a depressing, but it still is. Now that I am happy, I’m in hopes that tomorrow brings good things and even maybe a better feeling than today.
You know that feeling of being ready for something, that forces you to focus on it almost entirely and can often lead to sleep deprivation. No! I’m not talking about stress or insomnia, I’m talking something less depressing to have, Excitement! So when I got to thinking about the semester of college I’ve been through and how its interesting experience is coming to an end I first felt Saudade, meaning something I’ve I grown attached to out of Anger, Sadness, and even Laughter, I get the feeling that I’ll never experience something the same ever again, but after a day or so, I started to look on the bright side of life, like Monty Python once said, and then I started to feel happy, like a Jason Mraz song. When I was done thinking about my past and present part of my college life, I moved onto my future and what it might hold. The interesting thing about thinking about ones future, is it can either lead to stress, depression or excitement, and since I previously starting feeling happy I transitioned into excitement. So far there is a few things I’m excited for, when thinking of my future college life, and the first one is what to expect, I’m no longer nervous about what to expect from college, but I am excited for what I’ll expect in future classes. Even math, something I try to avoid a lot in life, I’m sort of excited about, and the reason why is because I managed to get score high enough on the COMPASS test to get into a higher math class, which was a goal of mine. That means no more studying for a stupid test on the worlds cheapest computer at NTI, next to two good ol southern boys who smell like they just got done dry humping a pile of fertilizer, not to mentioned I couldn’t focus, with them talking constantly laughing and making bad jokes. Having that out of the way is enough to ask for alone, and its nice to see that somewhat hard work at building my math skills actually paid off, now all I have to worry about is not getting screwed over with a bad teacher for next semester. The next reason I found to be excited was the new opportunity to meet new people and try to be friends with them, if they don’t scare me or weird me out. After transitioning out of a different lifestyle that wasn’t a fit for me and going into college, its really boring when you have no one to talk to besides your family, which is mostly busy and rarely spends time together. The last reason I got to be excited, is more opportunities to showcase my ideas, by finding ways to incorporate it into my assignments for classes, it makes me feel like I’m actually doing something that’s beneficial for my future and if it doesn’t end up being beneficial, at least I had fun doing things, I would normally hate doing in a way I love. Excitement can be promising, but I think it will be mostly up to me to make these promises a reality, instead of a failed expectations. Now looking back throughout the days, its satisfying to see how my emotions shifted from Saudade to Happiness and eventually Excitement, I think of this as another example of why you should never quite something early out of disappointment, but instead stick with it until you get what you want.